and its May...

So the diet thing didn't take off quiet as I wanted it. But I did start back on Weight Watchers. Its almost been a week since I started and I've already lost 5 lbs. Now here is the trick for me, I have totally changed thinking badly about dieting. I have a better mind frame around this. It probably helps that I'm taking Zoloft. But so far so good.

Its been awhile since I've talked about my job. Have met some really awesome people. A family I had the honor of serving, this pt was on Dialysis for 8 years felt that it was time to quit. How does one come to that mind set where they know that stopping this procedure will have a dire effect on their life (e.i. death). Interesting enough this pt was awake enough in the first couple of days that we talked about everything. The one question that was burning in my soul I had to get the courage to ask. After spending time with this family and got to know them I felt comfortable with asking this to the pt, "why do you want to give up?" (I don't think it was actually what I said but simular) pt said "I feel like I'm a burden on my family"

Another family I've met brought their family member home from the hospital who had a weak heart and was also on dialysis. They the family collectively decided to discontinue the dialysis because pt was on his/her death bed. But when this pt defiled the odds and was brought home, the family didn't tell this person that he/she was going to die. I just don't understand families, maybe I don't know the whole story. I would never think of my family members as a burden. It makes me sad that people resort to stopping treatment because they either feel they are a burden or don't realize this is happening to them.

The D.I.E.T. word

I love eating. As a nurse who just sits around in peoples homes for 12 hours/3 days a week I don't do much for exercise. When I'm at home, I sit on my ass and watch my son play in the house. I'm growing to big to fit into my fat cloths, or what I considered my fat cloths. I think its time for this nurse to go on a diet.

I shiver when I think of this awful word. What does it mean to me to go on a diet. Keeping track every day of what I'm eating. Worrying about having to pack my lunch each day I work. Never eating fast food again (well at least the unhealthy fast food). And the lack of motivation to get up off the couch and exercise. At the end of the day I think, "Yeah I've made it through another day" then comes to mind "now I have to do this crap again tomorrow". I have such a bad attitude when it comes to dieting. But I did promise my husband that I would lose weight 1. before we were married (have been married for 6 years) 2. before I got a tattoo (I have two now) 3. before we had children (my son is one years old). I don't keep promises very well now do I? Well, I think I might change my way of thinking towards dieting. Thinking of it as a game. Challenge myself, most of the females in my family had gastric bypass surgery done so they kinda cheated.

I will show them..... hahaha who am I kidding?
Well we will see. I'm running out of cloths to wear. Maybe I will diet and then when losing some weight I can feel better when exercising. Will keep in touch!

Is it depression?

Well, I have been with my job taking care of dying patients for over a year. I remember in orientation they talked to us newbie's about going through some depression a couple of months after starting to work with families. I have been taking medication because after having my son I had postpartum depression so I never really had that work depression they had talked about during orientation. Well I haven't taken my meds for a couple of weeks now and I'm really feeling down. I yelled at my husband tonight because he doesn't help me as much as I would like around the house (ie. cleaning). So I laid in on him. Plus, I don't feel like he is in love with me, for example; He doesn't kiss me, hug me, he sleeps on the couch when he isn't working nights. He rarely talks to me. He is either playing his dumb ass video games, playing his stupid guitar, or playing on his cell phone/computer. I am so depressed I think I might just keep track of the times he talks to me tomorrow. Nothing like digging myself a deeper hole. I know no one is going to read this blog, probably because I'm a boring person. But its nice to get my feelings out. So that when I decide to get back onto my meds, I can read this again and know just how ridiculous this sounds. Oh, I'm about to throw my cat out of the window for knocking things around in my room.

Where has the time gone?

So, I haven't posted anything for a couple months... and I see no one has read my posts anyways. What's the point?

I see dead people!

I was working with an older women who said to her family that she was "ready to go". Which means (if you haven't figured it out yet I work with dying people) that she had lived a fantastic life and was ready to go up and meet Jesus.
At her bedside I sat watching for signs of immediate death. And this women kept talking softly to herself. Every once in a while she would say something but it was to jumbled up to understand. Then out of no where she began to call out "Mom, mom" and then came the most interesting thing she said that night. Loudly she began again "Mom, mom, MOM KEEP MOVING!!" I started to laugh. I had never had the opportunity to be with someone who was dying that could continue to talk. I wonder if she really actually sees these people she speaks of or is it the medication that she is on. I guess I'll never know. Well at least not until I'm in the same situation.

So I work 12 hour shifts with people who are actively dying. So I hear many different things while I'm at the bedside (i.e. Breathing patterns, people moving themselves in bed, people moaning). Some of the sounds that I hear it reminds me of the sounds my 5 month old son makes. So I think to myself. Is death truly like being born? Birth is a (sometimes) long process, and death is a (sometimes) long process too. And I'm not just talking about leading up to the actual week of the end of someones life. I'm talking days even hours before the end of someones life. Just the process that the body has to make to be able to give birth or to die is sometimes a lot of work. Maybe its not the actual working towards death maybe its the working towards not dying. I wonder what the people think who aren't verbal before they pass away. Do they actually contemplate that they are about to die so they struggle with keeping themselves from actually doing it?

Off the topic...
I have always been a fan of scary movies and zombie movies, just listening to people in the process of them dying reminds me of the sounds zombies make in movies. So my imagination runs wild with this, thinking at any minute these people would sit straight up in bed and look at me with that empty look in there eyes. I know I'm a dork but you really have a lot of time on your hands when your working 12 hours. Well I'm off to bed. Goodnight WORLD!

Are people actually able to give up on life?

Working with older people, you sometimes hear when they are getting ready to die; "Mom/Dad, its okay to let go. You don't have to fight anymore. You've done lots of things through out ur life, So n' So is waiting for you in heaven." My question is, can people who are on their death bed actually make a conscienous effort to stop their heart, to stop their breathing? Or is it just a natural progression that the heart and lungs become so tired that they just shut down? If a person can actually make the effort to actually stop living, could people who live longer on their death beds stay alive to see a certain relative, hit a certian special date, or wait for that one person who is not wanting them to go to say its alright to go? These questions make me wonder! Thanks for listening.

Do you believe in God?

Since I was little I've always gone to church with my mother and little sister. We are considered Christian; Pentecostal. So, I know of the bible and God. But do I really know God? I am not much of a reader. As a child I would throw some horrible fits because I did not want to read children books, but to have someone read them to me. Reading makes me so tired which I then barley get threw a chapter and I want to turn the light off and go to bed. So I know the stories in the bible from going to church. My husband, of 5 years, will debate you until he is blue in the face about religion. I don't like confrontation. Unless I know that I am right.

My husband and I were talking about religion and what we truly believe in now that we are older and we take what we learned from when we were younger to what we can say we have learned while growing up. My husband said that after having our son 5 months ago, he can't imagine a god who (in the old testament) would order god's people to go into a village and kill men, women and innocent children. But then a few books forward the god of the new testament had such great love to "...send his only son to die on the cross for us." (John 3:16) How can things change so quickly. I'm sure every single strong christian has asked the question "Why?" It scares me to get into this topic for fear that I would question my own religious beliefs. My husband does not know if he could truly "Worship" a god who could slaughter a town full of people. Like some who didn't know any better (i.e. babies). So it brings the question of the actual existence of God. "Well of course there has to be a God, not even science has proven that there isn't one." (from my husband).

So my husband and I went back and fourth to try and answer our own questions that we were both struggling with. That night, I was sent to a facility where there was a women who was Catholic. I've talked to some people that I know that believe that being a Catholic will only send this person to Hell. Can you believe there are people out there who judge other people and tell them (sometimes to their faces) that they are not truly a believer and that they will be punished to the depths of HELL! I just don't understand, but lets not get off the point I'm trying to make.

This Catholic women was suffering from "The big C; Cancer." It wasn't looking good for her because she was really sick. She was very much in pain too. She was crying for anything that anyone could do to stop this terrible pain. I had been taking vital signs (i.e. Blood Pressure, Temps, Heart Rate) when all of this was going on. I was trying not to bother the RN's who were caring for this person because they were very focus on trying to control this person's pain. Well once they went threw all of the proper channels to obtain this stronger pain medication, the RN was pushing the medication into the patient to finally try and get this pain under control and the women passed away right then. As I was coming down the hallway the RN was walking towards me, crying. I put my arms around her and she wept for a short time. She had to pick herself back up for the sake of this woman's family. When all was said and down, this RN and myself went to wash this woman's body before the funeral home came to pick her up and the RN told what some of the things this woman was saying before she passed away. She said to me, "Laura, she was telling me that she was seeing God. She was talking to God right in front of me and her family."

I hadn't known it until now but what a great witness this poor lady was to myself in the time of her death. I was questioning if God truly existed because of the discussion I had with my husband prior to going to work. But in fact it shows me personally that God does exist. This story gives me goose bumps.

Some say that when a person is going to pass away that hormones or chemicals in the brain fire from a certain place and it triggers these images. For some people these images are God or godlike. I really should research this phenomenon soon and blog about what I've learn later. I might do that. Which also brings me to my other point regarding whether or not "Catholics" actually go to heaven or are burned in Hell, like some people believe. Well, I think I've discussed everything that I can remember this late at night. Will post soon since I only work Fri/Sat/Sun, 12 hour shifts. Good night Blogger World! And Happy Thanksgiving!